Major Renovations.

If I am going to keep up this practice of writing every day I am going to have to come up with something specific to write about because otherwise I am going to run out of things to say. Actually I think I already have.

To be fair, I have written a lot of words today and all of them were focused on the task of getting myself some gainful employment. I do hate writing job applications. I knew a girl once who used to see them as a challenge. A wonderful way for her to be creative and to reshape her resume and experience to get any job she wanted. Needless to say she had a very healthy self-esteem. I envied her. The process has exactly the opposite effect on me. I am perfectly happy to do the job just please don't ask me to apply for it.

I guess one of the processes that I am exploring at the moment is the re-shaping of whatever it is that makes applying for jobs, and indeed selling myself at all, particularly arduous. What I have discovered is that what I thought was going to be some minor tweaking and cosmetic (metaphorically) upgrading is turning into a major renovation that will take more time than I had initially set aside. I wonder whether it is possible to over capitalize?

The Best ExoticThird Stage

Many years ago now my parents moved into a retirement village. They were very happy about this. It is a very big village and was probably one of the leaders in its field with continual stages of care from independent living through to Nursing home for those who need it. Add to this a lovely semi rural setting with lots of amenities and facilities and it really does sound kind of perfect.

Except that to me it sounds kind of terrifying. A fair way from the city and surrounded by people in a similar stage of life who all have rules about what can and can't happen... Definitely not the way I would want to go... I am a city girl pure and simple.. I like to be surrounded by life and colour and variety and people. Even the thought of 'retiring' does not sit well with me.. When it is time for me to leave this earthly plain I hope to do it in full flight.. being busy and working till the end. I do find the growing trend for 'retirement cruising' a semi-bearable option.. These cruise ships are equiped with all the facilities one requires in one's golden years and spend their time meandering the high seas from port to port.. I could probably become accustomed to that.

However, the very best option for my later years has recently been revealed to me.. I am very surprised that no-one has previously thought of it but it is perfect.. Following on the heels of retail, manufacturing, telemarketing and various other industries, the 'old age industry' should be out-sourced to India.

I want to spend the third stage of my life at a hotel just like the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel where 'everything works out in the end, and if it hasn't workout out...it is not the end!.' I want to spend this stage in a place where the simple things are done beautifully, where there is life and colour and new experiences and the possibility of wonderful adventures. A place where you can find another chance to be the person you were meant to be. And after all, for me it is not so strange considering it was in this amazing and exotic and beautiful country that my life began.

Topsy- Turvy

Imagine how out of sync one needs to be to confuse Advent and Lent.. One a period of waiting, the other a headlong descent into disaster... Hardly surprising I chose to stay in the first. However that itself raises a theological question.. How many times have we chosen to 'wait'.. to stay rooted to the spot rather than walk bravely towards the unknown?

I have always seen myself as being a bit brave and adventurous. (I am aware others call it silly and reckless!!) Not afraid to take a few risks or tackle the unknown. However if I am honest with myself I have to accept that the risks I was prepared to take and the unknowns I was happy to tackle were essentially external. That is to say, that the content and purpose was outside of my sense of identity and self. If they did not work out, and they often haven't, then I could live with the results. Unpleasant and painful but not really defining. What I have always shied away from is taking risks with the things that I believe define me. Even giving voice to them is done reluctantly and with trepidation and is usually followed by a quick retreat to a position of safety. There are sound reasons for this. Any psychologist worth her salt would be able to find ample justification for why I have built a protective shell around the parts of me that I see as central.

The problem with this approach appears to be that you continually find yourself coming back to the same spot time and time again. Like the popularly discussed definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different!

I begin to wonder whether what I am expected to give up for Lent this year is not so much a tangible behaviour or attitude as it is an insidious approach to life that is as damaging as it is reasonable.

Advent

This has been an interesting Advent. I am not sure how, or indeed where, it is going to end. One thing I will say though is that it has been a very different season to what I expected when the year began. Things about which I felt certain have crumbled into nothing and new directions about which I never imagined have opened up. All this of course would be wonderful if it had occurred early in this year of discernment when I still had the resources to support the quest. Here at the end, with the funds running out it is some what less exciting.

It does occur to me that this may be a recurring theme in my life and that it is in this period of panic that I suddenly become pro-active and grab frantically at the first life belt that is thrown my way. Hardly surprisingly this rarely ends well. It is also at this point that I most want someone else to fix it and feel abandoned by God when nothing happens.

Recently, while reading Rohr's daily Lenten devotionals I was shocked to contemplate the idea that this call and reliance on authority was a sign of a very fundamental type of faith. And I do not think he meant it in a good way. What Rohr appeared to be suggesting is that to really come through the other side and become a 'grown up' would require me to do the internal work and come up with solutions on my own.. It was a bit more complicated than that, but that was the gist..

I guess that what that means is that the Advent journey is not over yet and I may not find an answer until after the resurrection... While I am sure that could be a sound and uplifting theological experience I really do not want to know what the crucifixion is going to look like.