Routines

I am most certainly not the disciplined type. I can stick with something for weeks at a time without flagging, but get me to break the flow and getting started again is really hard. I lose interest really quickly. Consequently, when I get to the end of one task I spend quite a lot of time walking around in circles trying to figure out what to do next. This has not proved to be a particularly helpful way of managing a renovation.

I also wondered whether, if I were to break up some of the really gruesome tasks into smaller chunks, they would get done less painfully. Well anything is worth a try I figure. With this noble plan in mind I sat down yesterday and mapped out a very detailed breakup of time and tasks and made myself a google calender for the foreseeable future. Most daringly, I set this up for each day to commence at 6.30am and finish at 10.30pm.

Morning is not my natural functioning period. However I need to try and pick up some more work to help fund this reno project and a good way to do that is substitute teaching. The days tend to be heavy but they pay well. Worst thing about them however is that you really need to be available for the 7 am phone call. I figure if I get into the habit of getting up that early and getting ready for the day I will be ready for whatever comes, whether it be heading out to work or getting more done on the reno. The calender allows for both possibilities and is very flexible. A disciplined approach to life is not something I am accustomed to but it just may work. (Others swear by it.)

There was an unscheduled nap that slipped in today. But after all it is only the first day and it may take some time to get into the groove.

A womb, not a tomb.

Been thinking a bit about the idea of liminal space for the last few days. It seems that one spends a great deal of time during renovations in this difficult space. It is difficult because we are not socially conditioned to deal with in-between spaces. Yet we spend a great deal of time in them. I guess I am not the only one who wishes I had Samantha's gift and could simply wiggle my nose and go from one space to the next without spending the time in the transition when nothing actually appears to be happening.

However, I was reading some more of my Rohr, and realise that these times of transition are actually really important because this is actually when the bulk of the work is being done. It doesn't look like it. It just looks like a mess. Stripper and paint tins everywhere, ladders to get to hard to reach places, drop cloths to try and contain the mess, bits and pieces everywhere without any clear indications of how it is going to look in the end. Yet if we think about it, we would lose a great deal if we were able to skip this step.

One of the things we would lose, and I hadn't thought of it before, would be the chance to grieve over what we are saying goodbye to. Now most of us renovate because we want things to be better and that is fair, but we are still changing the place where we live. The place where hopefully we feel safe and secure. And as yet we are unsure of what the new space is going to feel like. So it is important to be able to take time to say goodbye to the familiar because it has shaped the place up until now. Time to farewell the cramped rooms that housed our precious infants as newborns, the laundry that always appeared to be groaning under the weight of endless loads of family washing, that often became a soggy mess when the tubs overflowed. To remember what has gone before and why it is we are going through the renovation process. And to look forward with excitement to our new and improved space.

The other major loss would be a deep understanding and appreciation of the new space. Much like the house in Brisbane I mentioned in an earlier post, we would have no sense of the character of the place, how it had got to where it was. There would be no appreciation of the finer trimmings and the little bits that we do which make the renovation personal and the final outcome intimately ours. When I look at my beautiful lime-washed mantelpiece I want to remember the layers and layers and layers......of varnishes and paints and mess that I had to remove to find the lovely wood underneath. Otherwise I may be foolish enough to let someone paint it again. I want to grow into this new abode, slowly and incrementally so that I can fully appreciate just how much I belong in it.

So while I may often think that I am going to be stuck in this chaotic state for the rest of my natural life and that it will become a tomb of my own making, this is not true. Liminal spaces are essential and temporary. So rather than a tomb I am going to try and think of it as a womb. A nurturing and growing place that I can inhabit until the new state that the architect envisioned is finally realised.

the dilemma of the inevitable,

I am not sure whether everyone who undertakes major renovations inevitably reaches a point where they realise that they simply can not go any further without help. However, I imagine it happens to most. The reason for this is fairly simple I think and has to do with that pernicious aspect in all of us created by ego. We think we have it all planned out and that we know what we have gotten ourselves into. And even if things do not go exactly to plan it will be ok because we have the skills and the experience to pull it all together.

It is very hard to come to terms with the mortifying truth that sometimes we overestimate our capacity and underestimate the size of the project we have undertaken. It harks back a little to our inability to interpret the architects vision at the beginning and the realisation as we progress that the job was more complicated than we first thought.

The brighter side of this dilemma is that once we have swallowed our pride sufficiently to admit our limitations and reached out to those who can assist, we discover that there are wonderful tradespeople out there who are not only exceptionally good at what they do, but who make the process of our own project richer. I think this has to do with validation. Where our ego sees our limitations as failure, others may not. When others come on board without judgement, without telling you what an idiot you are for not being able to complete the job on your own, without making you in any way feel inadequate, there is an immense feeling of relief. The relief is not only that the job will get done but that you are no longer completely alone in the process. That others have an interest in the project's ultimate success. Now that is what I call a major bonus. So dark as it sometimes becomes, there are flashes of light and hope.

Getting back to the outside.

After spending several days over Easter trying to untangle the mess inside I decided to get back to working on the outside for a bit today. It is so much simpler really. There are a limited number of things you can do to the outside because the basic shape is there and it is just a case of adding, or taking away, bits and freshening it all up. The basic structure is sound but after years of neglect and a fair amount of mistreatment there is a bit of work to be done. However the work is simple; get rid of the dirt and the excess layers that have built up with some hard physical work and then it will be ready for the cosmetic stuff when the time comes.

It really is true what they say, physical activity does make you feel better about the process and gives you the energy to get back to the work inside. Outside work is repetitive and sometimes mindless but you see results more quickly I think and that lifts the spirits. Sometimes that is just what is needed.

To Renovate, Repair or Restore.

The house we rented when I last lived in Brisbane was the kind that many people aspire to. It was a single storey, four bedroom modern house with an open plan living area, which I do like, and an easy-care paved entertaining area. Did I mention it also had a pool. It was the sort of house that would be perfect for entertaining. Tiled floors made it easy to care for and I was very attached to the beautifully organised dressing room and the large en suite. Smooth painted walls, modern kitchen and easy to maintain carpet. Sounds perfect. Yet that house sucked the soul from my body. I am not really sure why I hated it so much.

On the opposite end of the scale was the house we owned in Warwick. An old workers cottage on posts, which had been progressively enlarged by the standard process of closing in the wide verandas to create more rooms. Single skin weatherboards with VJ interior and original hardwood flooring meant that there were more gaps and spaces for cold air to sneak in than you could possibly imagine. According to the tradesman who was helping to create an extra room for me, there was also not one single 90 degree angle in the entire house. I used to call it the house of many doors because it seemed that whenever they added an extra bit it was just closed of and another door added. One of the rooms was only about five feet by eight feet... and it had three doors. To get to Jeremy's bedroom you needed either to go through the hall, two doors, the bathroom, another door, and then the door into his room. Alternatively you could go into the hall, through the dinning room and into his room. I think that involved one less door but effectively cut his room in half.. And while very few of the doors actually matched they were beautiful. Solid wood with a variety of different sized inserts and glass panes. We loved that house. It really was a lovely home. Renovating it was a delight, though there came a time when Benjamin was quite adamant that he was not going to sacrifice any more fingertips to gap filling all the vjs. And I am not sure how many toxins I released as we sanded and stripped back many years of paint and varnish.

This brings me to the dilemma that I have been wrestling with over the past few days. It is a dilemma that I don't think you would have with modern houses but maybe I am wrong. You see as you strip away the layers of paint, varnish and poly filler from the surfaces of older residences you continually uncover imperfections and flaws which have been hidden by time. Natural timbers have imperfections which were not necessarily planed away. Boards have dints and gouges where successive generations of inhabitants have left the marks of their battles and accidents and play. Mismatched glass panes tell stories of balls tossed in fun and fists thrust in anger. The one I find the most amusing is where doors have dropped because of their weight and continual use and the easiest way of fixing it was just to trim a bit of the bottom till they closed. So what do you do when faced with these flaws and the scars left by previous tenants. What does it mean to renovate, to repair, to restore.

Sometimes you reach a point in the process where a section you are working on has been 'repaired' so many times that you are sure that if you chip away all the filler and the glue it will simply disintegrate. And do you actually need to. Do you really need to go right back to the very beginning in order for the renovation to be authentic, or is the authenticity in the acceptance and careful honouring of all the lived moments that form the buildings history. The biggest difference between the two houses I mentioned at the beginning of this post is that the first had no 'character' to speak of. There may be a better word for it but I can't really think of one. The house in Warwick had masses of character, it was a living entity that had evolved and changed over time through the lives that had been lived in it. You got a real sense that you were part of a continuum, a story that was not yet over.

Sometimes we get so carried away with the idea of repairing and restoring that we effectively remove all the organic proof of lives lived, and in so doing we destroy the very essence of the place. The trick is to work out what can be saved and what needs to be completely removed and replaced. This is not always easy and sometimes we make mistakes on the way. It is not always clear at different points which bits are worth keeping and which bits are not. Neither does it help that others will advise you differently depending on their own sense of what matters. When this happens it is so very important that you have access to like minded souls. People who value the same elements and understand the importance of history and what builds the character of a place. Mostly, people who understand and share your goals in the renovating process.

When in a muddle - work with a friend.

Was having one of those days. You know the kind.. So many jobs to do and you just don't know where to begin.. While I was busy procrastinating and trying not to think about it I got a call from a good friend. We had not spoken for a few months and she called just to catch up and see what was happening. Apparently she had read some of my posts and as we talked it became clear that she too had been thinking a lot about renovation and renewal. It was a long conversation, deep and meaningful in the best of ways. So I may not have got any of the jobs I wanted done, but going and spending some time working with my friend helped me to get some energy back. It is interesting how helping a friend can actually help you to clarify some of the design elements that have been a bit esoteric or intangible.

There are many good reasons for renovating, but when it comes right down to it the very best one is that you can no longer continue in the space you are in. That while there is a great deal that you like about the place it is actually not working well for you. You know this when you realise that you spend a lot of time compromising in order to keep things running.

We talked a lot about safe spaces today and we meant much more than simply conforming to OHS. I think when we talked about safe we were actually saying that we wanted a place that was affirming, life-giving and where we could know beyond doubt that we belonged. We had reached a point where we no longer wanted to settle for what appeared to be fairly good. We wanted better. We wanted more. We admitted, and this is hard to do, that while we rejected the worst aspects of societies greed and selfishness, we needed, dare I say deserved to ask for the the best possible environment that would allow us to thrive and to grow.

This of course led to a conversation on ecological factors. How your design fits with the environment in which the building is positioned. How adjacent buildings and the community in general are affected, and what adjustments you need to embrace to make the end product better. We agreed that the process needs to be organic. It must be a living breathing organism that adapts to what is happening around it, because if the plans are rigid and set in concrete, the potential damage to the surroundings is severe.

One of the best things about working with someone else for a while is that your shared ideas and the very conversation itself helps you to clarify those aspects that may have been a little foggy... The ones that you keep putting in the to-do pile because you can't clearly visualise what is involved. I have had many occasions this week to remember what I think was a quote..'How do I know what I am thinking until I hear it coming out of my mouth.' This is what working with others allows, the opportunity to make thoughts concrete by speaking them aloud. And, of course, it is always good to be reminded that there are others who are also in the midst of the same process.

Trusting the Architect

It occurred to me this evening as I was pondering my progress that the dwelling I am now working on is significantly different from the one that I thought I was creating when I first set out.

I knew that the only safe place to construct anything sturdy was going to be in Melbourne, a city which nurtures and feeds my soul in a way that no other place does. However when I left sunny Queensland to return home I had a very particular structure in mind. What I now realise is that that structure, worthy and all that it was, was appealing because the design and composition had been interpreted by me as semi-traditional and, most of all, acceptable. Acceptable to all the same people and institutions which I have, in my own twisted way, answered to all my life. I guess what I am trying to say is that, even though it had a more modern and edgy design than most, I had mistakenly visualized a plan that was still basically safe. And that could be taken on a number of levels.

What I realise now is that I had completely misunderstood the architect's intention and vision. The renovation and restoration that she had in mind was far more adventurous and thorough than I had been prepared to buy into. Furthermore, if I can embrace the scope of her vision I will end up with a dwelling that is far more authentically me than anything that my meddling would create. I do understand that this is going to involve a certain amount of risk. There are going to be a lot of people who will not be happy with the end result. It is going to be different, unusual, perhaps even outlandish and will probably not blend in very well.

However, what it will be is a truly safe and comfortable place for me to be, and this in turn will make it a safer and more enriching place for the people who come and visit there. After all, what is the point of renovating if not to invite others in to share the space.

Three steps forward, two steps back.

One of the most familiar aspects of DIY is that you think you are getting somewhere with a particular project and then you have to move onto something else when you are not completely finished. You then realise that the first project starts to lose ground and you have to stop and move back before you lose all the progress you made. This zig-zagging backwards and forwards can be quite dizzying sometimes. Maybe it is because I am such a Piscean, but I often feel like I am swimming round in circles and not progressing very far at all.

I know from experience that this stage will pass and that one day I will discover that I have actually completed a number of small jobs and am further along than I think. In the meantime it is just a case of living in the midst of the chaos, trying to keep all the balls in the air and believing that it will all be ok in the end.

Perhaps it would be easier if I wasn't constantly making small changes to the overall plans. But hey.. what are you going to do.. There are so many good ideas out there and I do want to remain flexible and open to the possibilities. I managed to find an episode of Grand Designs last night. It was a pretty massive, very old building that these people had undertaken to restore and renovate. It was taking a lot longer than they had planned because it was a self-build using as many natural materials and found and recycled objects as possible. It was also very eco and environmentally friendly. The guy kept discovering new possibilities and pretty much designing as he went. What they ended up with after about five years, (more than double what they had first planned) was an amazingly livable and workable dwelling where, despite being made of stone, each space seemed to melt into the next one in a really logical and vibrant way. There is a word which describes exactly the idea I am trying to convey. It is floating just out of reach of my consciousness and driving me a little crazy by its refusal to be grasped.. I guess that is pretty much indicative of the whole process at the moment.

Renovating and Reality TV.

I know I am not alone in that I really, REALLY, dislike reality television. However if I did like it it would certainly not be the cooking shows I would watch. Nor the dating shows, or apprentices or rugged outdoorsy adventure stuff. No it would be the renovation and gardening shows that would get me in. I do have a great affection for 'Better Homes and Gardens' and was really disappointed when I realised that 'Grand Designs' had finished. I love renovating and painting and building and all that kind of thing. There was a period when the boys were little and we lived in South Melbourne that I was madly into buying old furniture and completely refurbishing it. Usually for uses far from the original makers plan. I was told some years later by a friend that they were afraid to put their handbags down when they visited incase they got painted too.. The handbags that is...

I have found it odd for a long while that people will see no problem with spending money of freshening up or renovating a house, or indeed spending many dollars on panel beating and refreshing a car, yet find the idea of spending any time or money on refreshing and renovating a person to be indulgent and somehow wrong.

So this is what I am going to be talking about for the next little while. I am in the process of renovating. It is a major reno. from the foundations up and out. It started last year when I decided to take some time from working to sort out some medical issues that needed fixed. The end of January saw the process stepped up as I stopped a very, very longterm smoking habit, joined a gym with a friend and started a detox programme all on the same day. So far the renovations are on schedule. Progress is slow but it is steady and the incremental cosmetic changes are helping to keep the spirits up while the deeper and more structural renovations are taking place.

As anyone who has undertaken a renovation, while still living in the space, knows, it can be frustrating. There is often the feeling that you are not making progress and everything just seems like a jumbled mess. However, I do believe that it is going to be well worth it in the end and that the value that will be added to the property will be substantial. In a metaphoric kind of way.

There are a number of very good friends who I am going to call on during this process. They all have different specialties which will be valuable and enriching to the rebuilding and shaping process and I am grateful to have those resources. I do need to acknowledge Parker Palmer and Richard Rohr, people whose advice and wisdom have encouraged me to undertake the project. I am sure I am going to be calling on them repeatedly over the next months. I am of course hoping that the job will be finished and the end product will be ready for me to inhabit in the not too distant future. However, both Robbie Burns and John Lennon had very insightful things to say about what can happen with plans so we will just have to wait and see.

Onward and upward.

Booster Shots

Had an interesting thing happen today. For the first time in a while I actually made it to church twice. Morning and then again in the evening. The services are quite different but surprisingly, and I have never experienced this, the sermon was the same. Now you may think this would be a bit of a pain but it wasn't. Ok I will admit we have the benefit of a fairly gifted preacher and so he is rarely hard to listen to. Also, thankfully, we don't have the 40min + sermons that were popular when I was growing up. And while I still forgot to ask the outcome of the amusing anecdote that was used there were still things that I had missed on the first pass.

Hearing it again gave me the opportunity to fill in the gaps caused by my own lack of concentration and also to re-enforce the bits that were the most encouraging. I realise that it is in this area that preaching has changed so much since my youth. The readings today dealt with Peter's denial of Jesus, something he swore he would never do and did anyway. Now most of us who were churched from a young age know this story well and have heard at great length what a terrible person Peter was and how he did this terrible thing, and that we must constantly be on guard to make sure we never do it, and if we do do it, we must feel appropriately terrible. That is pretty much how it went for every story where someone in the bible did something bad.

One of the great things I discovered when studying theology was that there was a lot more people doing bad stuff than there was doing good stuff. Just about all the great heroes of the Bible were deeply flawed human beings and yet God kept using them. This is very encouraging when one is oneself a very flawed human being. So today we heard about a flawed human being, Peter, but it was not just to reiterate his failure and unworthiness, but to remind us that we are all flawed and that that is ok because God is not flawed and s/he is always faithful and will continue to use us and to trust us and to love us regardless. Now that you can never hear too many times. Like the vaccines we get when we are kids... A booster shot every now and again is a good thing.

Major Renovations.

If I am going to keep up this practice of writing every day I am going to have to come up with something specific to write about because otherwise I am going to run out of things to say. Actually I think I already have.

To be fair, I have written a lot of words today and all of them were focused on the task of getting myself some gainful employment. I do hate writing job applications. I knew a girl once who used to see them as a challenge. A wonderful way for her to be creative and to reshape her resume and experience to get any job she wanted. Needless to say she had a very healthy self-esteem. I envied her. The process has exactly the opposite effect on me. I am perfectly happy to do the job just please don't ask me to apply for it.

I guess one of the processes that I am exploring at the moment is the re-shaping of whatever it is that makes applying for jobs, and indeed selling myself at all, particularly arduous. What I have discovered is that what I thought was going to be some minor tweaking and cosmetic (metaphorically) upgrading is turning into a major renovation that will take more time than I had initially set aside. I wonder whether it is possible to over capitalize?

The Best ExoticThird Stage

Many years ago now my parents moved into a retirement village. They were very happy about this. It is a very big village and was probably one of the leaders in its field with continual stages of care from independent living through to Nursing home for those who need it. Add to this a lovely semi rural setting with lots of amenities and facilities and it really does sound kind of perfect.

Except that to me it sounds kind of terrifying. A fair way from the city and surrounded by people in a similar stage of life who all have rules about what can and can't happen... Definitely not the way I would want to go... I am a city girl pure and simple.. I like to be surrounded by life and colour and variety and people. Even the thought of 'retiring' does not sit well with me.. When it is time for me to leave this earthly plain I hope to do it in full flight.. being busy and working till the end. I do find the growing trend for 'retirement cruising' a semi-bearable option.. These cruise ships are equiped with all the facilities one requires in one's golden years and spend their time meandering the high seas from port to port.. I could probably become accustomed to that.

However, the very best option for my later years has recently been revealed to me.. I am very surprised that no-one has previously thought of it but it is perfect.. Following on the heels of retail, manufacturing, telemarketing and various other industries, the 'old age industry' should be out-sourced to India.

I want to spend the third stage of my life at a hotel just like the Best Exotic Marigold Hotel where 'everything works out in the end, and if it hasn't workout out...it is not the end!.' I want to spend this stage in a place where the simple things are done beautifully, where there is life and colour and new experiences and the possibility of wonderful adventures. A place where you can find another chance to be the person you were meant to be. And after all, for me it is not so strange considering it was in this amazing and exotic and beautiful country that my life began.

Topsy- Turvy

Imagine how out of sync one needs to be to confuse Advent and Lent.. One a period of waiting, the other a headlong descent into disaster... Hardly surprising I chose to stay in the first. However that itself raises a theological question.. How many times have we chosen to 'wait'.. to stay rooted to the spot rather than walk bravely towards the unknown?

I have always seen myself as being a bit brave and adventurous. (I am aware others call it silly and reckless!!) Not afraid to take a few risks or tackle the unknown. However if I am honest with myself I have to accept that the risks I was prepared to take and the unknowns I was happy to tackle were essentially external. That is to say, that the content and purpose was outside of my sense of identity and self. If they did not work out, and they often haven't, then I could live with the results. Unpleasant and painful but not really defining. What I have always shied away from is taking risks with the things that I believe define me. Even giving voice to them is done reluctantly and with trepidation and is usually followed by a quick retreat to a position of safety. There are sound reasons for this. Any psychologist worth her salt would be able to find ample justification for why I have built a protective shell around the parts of me that I see as central.

The problem with this approach appears to be that you continually find yourself coming back to the same spot time and time again. Like the popularly discussed definition of insanity: Doing the same thing over and over and expecting the outcome to be different!

I begin to wonder whether what I am expected to give up for Lent this year is not so much a tangible behaviour or attitude as it is an insidious approach to life that is as damaging as it is reasonable.

Advent

This has been an interesting Advent. I am not sure how, or indeed where, it is going to end. One thing I will say though is that it has been a very different season to what I expected when the year began. Things about which I felt certain have crumbled into nothing and new directions about which I never imagined have opened up. All this of course would be wonderful if it had occurred early in this year of discernment when I still had the resources to support the quest. Here at the end, with the funds running out it is some what less exciting.

It does occur to me that this may be a recurring theme in my life and that it is in this period of panic that I suddenly become pro-active and grab frantically at the first life belt that is thrown my way. Hardly surprisingly this rarely ends well. It is also at this point that I most want someone else to fix it and feel abandoned by God when nothing happens.

Recently, while reading Rohr's daily Lenten devotionals I was shocked to contemplate the idea that this call and reliance on authority was a sign of a very fundamental type of faith. And I do not think he meant it in a good way. What Rohr appeared to be suggesting is that to really come through the other side and become a 'grown up' would require me to do the internal work and come up with solutions on my own.. It was a bit more complicated than that, but that was the gist..

I guess that what that means is that the Advent journey is not over yet and I may not find an answer until after the resurrection... While I am sure that could be a sound and uplifting theological experience I really do not want to know what the crucifixion is going to look like.