Reclaiming my life

On the advice of several friends I am re-reading Parker Palmer's book, 'Let Your Life Speak'. I have to admit right now that I have not got very far into it. Rather than race through I am taking it slowly and stopping to think when I come across a line or idea that resonates with what I am feeling.

As many of my friends know, I have been spending a great deal of time thinking about the purpose of my life and what I am meant to be doing. In this I have had a great deal of encouragement and wise counsel, for which I am very grateful. I had already gained some valuable insights and, working backwards through the many hills and valleys had begun to make sense of some of the factors that are important to me. All good and uplifting stuff. I had also begun to believe I had a clue to what it really was that I needed to, and maybe should, do. However there was still a bit of a doubt. What Palmer reminds us of, and it may seem simple, is that we often know in early childhood, what we later lose sight of.

The seeds of what our life is to be are created in us by God. They are there at the very beginning and are often clearer when we see things through the eyes childhood. I remember very clealy three distinct moments in my past. The first took place when I was about eight or nine years old.We were living in Singapore and I was on the back verandah of the house we lived in. It was a large closed in space as was common in those wonderful old colonial houses. The shutters were open, as I recall, and the sun was warm. I am not sure whether there was a conversation at play, however I remember clearly that I was quite sure that when I grew up I was going to be a writer. Not only did I love books and stories, but I also believed that it would be a good option because I would be able to work it around my family. What my child self understood about the notion of family and work I am not sure, but I know that it was in my mind.

The second incident took place a few years later. We were travelling as a family from Singapore to our new life in far off Australia. On the way we had a wonderful journey through Bangkok and then Kolcutta in India. Calcutta, as it was known the, was the city in which I was born and the visit was an interesting one. As my younger brother and myself trailed after Mum, who was on a shopping mission, I was struck by the number of children at the sides of the road begging. Most were younger than me and were either eaten away with leprosy or maimed in some way. How could this be. Children who were born in the same city, at the same time perhaps, yet I had so much and they had nothing. The injustice of this seared me and its effect has never lessened. I made a pact with God at that time that when I was older and rich I would come back and build a huge house and take all the children from the streets and care for them. Obvioulsy the terms 'imperialism' and 'paternalism' meant nothing to me then.

The final incident was again a few years later, I was fourteen I think. Sitting in the front seat of a bus on the way home from an open day at MBC (Melbourne Bible College), I was quite sure that God wanted me to be a missionary. Max and Maureen Stevens had taken me with them to see the college and I had visions of going there to study when I was older, and in some way serving God. Though looking back on it now, it seems the small detail that stuck in my mind the most was that Max and Maureen were laughing about the fact that they could now hold hands at the college because they were married, and Maureen could even wear slacks !!! Bizarre really.. However, it does lead into what went wrong with it all.

Palmer points out that social, economic and other factors enter in to silence the voice of the child. How true this is. Particularly if you were a female child in a fairly fundamental Christian family. Now let me say here that I am eternally grateful for the family I have, and that they introduced me to a God I have always believed in. However He was not neccessarily a God that I could understand. I was a difficult girl child. I loved learning, was fairly opinionated, determined and wilful and wanted always to know WHY? Unfortunately, being told that that is what the Bible said, or that that was just the way it was, was never good enough for me. I could never accept things that did not make sense ot me, no matter who said it. Furthermore, I was that nightmare of all conservative parents.. I was a dreamer. Now I certainly got this from my Dad, my Mum said so often enough, though her tone did not indicate that this was a good thing!!!.

So like most good Christian parents who had been raised on a gnostic religion that believed that we were created only in sin and that we had to become Godly.. as if this could only happen from the outside in .. they dedicated themselves to trying to train and discipline their wayward child into the ways of the Lord. And in the world they knew about that meant into a quiet, preferably docile, not too intelligent, certainly not vain, compliant, modest Christian woman who would make some man a useful wife. Maybe if she continued to show some intelligence she could become a nurse or a primary school teacher, (these were acceptable vocations) but really, a secretary was best because you could start early and just type your way to the alter.

Now I do say they tried.. I did not say the succeeded. However the dreamy child spent many, many years trying to reconcile the two very different sets of expectations and messages that were being instilled. In the process I made every possible error in the combinations. This was nobodies fault but my own.. Don't ever let people confuse intelligence for wisdom. I was ( an probably still am! ) a very dumb, smart person. There were successes, but even these were not without contention. I did get my family. Two amazing and beautiful sons who have grown into interesting and exciting young men. I look forward to accompanying them in their journey to being what they were designed to be. It was not the traditional family however, there was just one parent and two children. (Logic says that to be managable the adults should not be outnumbered by the children !! Oh well !!)

For all the limits of the God I was introduced to, He ( and it was always He until later.) was always someone I could communicate with. In this I think my later interest in the Hebrew Scripture had its origin. The God of my youth may have been inscrutable, and sometimes harsh, but I could always communicate with Him. I could talk and question and argue and fight and rail as much as I liked and He just sat on the coffee table and looked gently at me waiting till I was finished. I guess I imagined him a bit like my grandfather, a large and gentle man who loved his family, and it is a big one, completely.

The God I am now closer to is so much more than all of that, and I guess there would be a problem if He wasn't. Revelation is a continual process. Palmer reminds me that this God created me in His image, to have communion and relationship with Him. Why would he not create someone worthy of having relationship with? Why would he not plant in that creation the tools and proclivities that he wanted to see grow and flower? We know that the Bible tells us that he is like a father who wants only good things for his children, yet, because of the strictures of our history, we do not really understand what that means. We don't fully comprehend the richness and bounty that God desires for His creation. We know that we want great things for those we love, yet we have this funny idea that misery and hardship are what God wants for us. Now there is no doubt that misery and hardship can work to bring us closer to God, but that does not neccessarily mean He likes it that way.

At this point I know that there are many who would think that this does not take into consideration the whole Jesus thing. You know the taking up the cross and following bit. I am not sure yet of the details, but I am sure they are not mutually exclusive. I was heartened when Palmer pointed out that being a good Parker Palmer turned out to be harder for him than being a good somebody else. This makes sense really. If we try to live like we 'should' or emulate people we admire, we have a pattern. There are some signs and directions we can follow which help to make the choices clearer and the behaviour more transparent. But if we are trying to be trully 'ourselves,' the authentic, individual which God created, where is the plan? No one else has ever been me, so how do I know how to do it well?

At this point I am going to try what Palmer suggested. I am listening to the voice of my innocent child. The child who maybe had a clue about the gifts that God had given her. Taking the message of Frederick Buechner I am going to take my hearts deep desire, to write and to serve God, and hopefully somehow meet the worlds deep need. How that is going to happen I am not sure. I will leave that to God.. He is certainly big enough. For my part I am going to start a daily discipline of writing.. even if it is crap.. it is the discipline that matters. ( and I have organised a friend to be my enforcer as I have no self discipline to speak of!) maybe the books that have been swimming in my head for many years will get a chance to come out and live also.

Maybe also I can reclaim the life that is mine alone. I don't have all the answers, as usual I just have losts of questions. I certainly don't know where it is going to go, but I do have a sense of excitement in looking forward.. I think that this may make God smile. A nice change I hope.